Invisible

Even if you see me, you don't really see me do you?

I want you to see me, but I don't know how to show you me.

In other words, I'm in a dilemma...

I feel like this little speck of dust among these other hundreds and thousands specks of dust floating in this strange world. But I want to be special. Maybe not to everybody, but special in your eyes.

I've never felt this way before. I've never felt so insignificant that I just couldn't even picture us in the same social circle. Not that I'm implying I am in your social circle now, but at least we talk, we hang, we see each other during class. I'm not one of those weirdos that stare at their crushes from afar wishing that they would somehow notice them by some kind of miracle. Well, not anymore anyway.

Besides, I can never really be categorized as a weirdo since I never seriously liked anyone as how I like you now. I have only ever had minor crushes, which seem to go away once I try to rationalize myself from going any further than 'like'. I've never had a serious crush. At least, none serious enough that I actually stare at their Facebook profile hoping that something amazing would happen.

Yes, I stalk your Facebook account. It's the only way I can get to know you without really having to actually ask you questions. I always get tongue tied around you, so talking is out of the question. It's from your account that I learnt you are a party animal with a huge circle of friends, which consists of a lot of girls as well as boys.

I envy you.

You have the confidence to go out and just strut your stuff. No matter what people say. I live to please, as my life path number seemed to describe. I only please people and am afraid to upset them. In other words, I'm a suck up coward who wants everyone to like her, so I just say yes to everything.

I suck..

I'm tired of being the 'best friend' or 'what's her name'. I want to be known as me. Not just as somebody, but as me. Clare. I want to be noticed by boys, I want to be hit on (I probably have been hit on but didn't even realize it), I want to date, I want to love. I don't just wanna love anyone. I wanna love you.

But right now, the evidence is not allowing me to do so. And my built in personality, which analyzes both sides of a story and weighs the pros and cons of each, I can't just let myself fall into love like that. Especially when the outcome is not promising or sure. I'm a coward.

I want to tell you, but I'm afraid to be shot down.

I want to know what your affectionate pats mean, I want to know what your stares mean, what your jokes mean. Why you're so nice to me...

It's not that no one else is nice to me, but your nice is a totally different nice from what I'm used to.

Tell me what you mean!

I don't wanna be just another one of your friends...

I don't wanna be invisible...