Wow...

Dude... I'm listening to all the Westlife songs and they're awesome... :D Shane sounds like he did all those years back... Lol... I still remember the time when Unbreakable was just released. Bern and I went nuts... or maybe it was just me?

Anyway, I'm not much of a ballad nut, I'm more to rock songs or songs that you can dance to... But listening to these guys... I admit that I'm starting to like ballads... I can relate to some... But not all of the songs... They're very deep...

:3

It's a New Day~ :3

I guess it is meant to be... Whatever that means...

He isn't meant for me but that doesn't mean there is no hope right? Now, I am definitely content with just being his friend, his little sister that he can pick on and play around with. I am okay with that...

I guess this is what you call conforming? Yes, this is what you call conforming...

I am conforming to the image that other people have imposed on me in fear of being rejected and isolated. Which is probably why I still act like a baby even though I hate being called the baby.

It seems like the name 'baby' will stick with me no matter where I go...

I will just watch him and continue deceiving people with my mask. I know that it will be hard at times, but I swear that I'm so good at wearing it that I even trick myself. I can believe that I no longer have feelings for him, but the heavy brick on my chest would still be there...

Whatever.. I can survive... I've hidden my emotions before, and have tricked even the most observant... Even my best friends are tricked... Even I, of all people, am tricked by myself...

But how long can I keep this up?

Do I still have hope?

Honestly, I don't think so. After all, why would he like a girl like me? If there is someone that has his attention it's her... I hate myself... Why can't I be like all the other girls? Maybe then he would look at me differently. Not as the little sister that he never had, but something else completely different.

I don't have much experience with guys or girls. I'm clueless on how I should act if the need comes for it. I just become blank and stare idiotically at everyone hoping an answer would pop out at me. I need guidance... I need reassurance... I need you...

I know that I'm being selfish now that you already have someone, but still is it so much to ask for you to look my way? To pat my head with a meaning and to actually look at me with more feeling?

I looked at you sadly today and I just bared myself to you, hoping that you would understand how I felt now that I knew. I'm confused. I think I scared you off... I'm not your type and neither are you mine. But still, a girl can dream right?

The only thing is, that is what it stays as. Just a dream in the far end of your subconscious thoughts... Quick to appear and quick to disappear.

What do I do?

Should I tell you my feelings? Or should I just watch my first ever 'real' crush be taken away by some other girl?

I don't know...

She's nice though, and knows what she wants, knows how to get it. She's probably smart, funny, fun to be with and judging from her outfits, she's really stylish...
She's the total opposite of me.

I hate you...

He was talking about how people should go for the heart not for the height this afternoon... It was when Ivy was asking what type of people he's dated. Apparently age and height don't matter to him. What matters is the heart...

Does this mean that I still have a chance?

When he said this, I should have said something like "So, if I say I like you would you date me?" or something like that... But the moment has passed and now I won't ever have a chance like that... Besides, I don't think I would have ever said anything like that in the first place... I like my pride too much... And Ivy thinks I don't like him anymore... So yeah... Life sucks... Or just the way I live it is like a NOOB... -.-

I like him... I think.... The feeling is not as strong as before but it is there... I know I like him and yet, there are other factors that keep me from truly liking him to the point of love.

First are the things that my brother told me in the previous post. Second, my friends don't like him. Third, he has another prettier crush. Fourth, and this is going to sound ridiculous, but I think that if he does end up with me, it would ruin his street cred... And I'm sure that guy has a lot of street cred... Lastly, the fifth reason is I do not look good with him. He's fit and buff and I'm unfit and not buff... Or pretty... Or tall... Or skinny in any way... Why on Earth would he like a girl like me... All I'm good for is being a little sister...

FUCK IT!

I know I'm demeaning myself right now, but everything that I just wrote is true and there's nothing that I can do about it now... Besides... The biggest problem now is forgetting what my brother said... ><>

I'm sad today...

You are going to experience some confusion when it comes to romance in this period, Libra, and you will use this time to find clarity in this area, whether you are single or attached. It’s a good time to reestablish the difference between fantasy and reality, as the line between them can get a little fuzzy. Chemical solutions will not serve you very well right now and are more likely to exacerbate problems rather than solve them. It’s time to clear out the cobwebs of your mind and let in some fresh air. This may mean a break from habits or routine in your love affairs, but you will be able to negotiate these changes quite nicely without burning any bridges in romance today.

***

The above is my daily love horoscope from Facebook… I know that it’s kinda lame, but sometimes it can be spot on. I always check it after my day at school and it’s usually right. SO right in fact, that it’s scary…

You are going to experience some confusion when it comes to romance in this period, Libra, and you will use this time to find clarity in this area, whether you are single or attached.

The above is so true.. I came to school today confused as to whether my feelings for him were still there or not, or were they just a fiction of my imagination. In the beginning, when I just arrived in school, I told Ivy and Amir that I didn’t have feelings for him anymore, but I actually do. Or I thought I did… Anyway, Ivy was happy that I had finally cleared my system of what is Ujin and Amir began by protesting that Ujin was a nice guy and that there was nothing wrong with liking him. I joined in his protest, which totally went against the statement that I didn’t like him anymore, which made me even more confused as to what my feelings were.

Throughout that morning before MDM class, I was waiting and hoping that somehow he would appear and give me his usual pat on the head. Like he usually does. I miss those. But the morning went by without me seeing him, or rather I chose not to look around to locate him. So I went to MDM class somewhat disappointed.

It’s a good time to reestablish the difference between fantasy and reality, as the line between them can get a little fuzzy.

I think this was referring to my hasty conclusions about his feelings towards me. I misinterpreted his actions towards me. I can’t say I’m not disappointed, but I am.

I only saw him in MDM class and he didn’t even look at me, or maybe he did but I didn’t notice cause I didn’t want to look at him. Honestly, my heart was beating really fast when he walked into the room. You know the type of heartbeat you get when you’re watching a suspense scene where you know that a ghost or killer is going to pounce out at any moment? Yeah, those scenes. I was wondering why though, why didn’t I want to look at him? Was I afraid that I’d start swooning over him again?

Anyhow, I did look at him. Finally. And I just went, ‘Cool… This isn’t so bad…‘ until the words of my brother came flooding back to me.

He said:

I used to be very popular with the girls, and I even once got scolded by them on the phone. In fact, I always got scolded on the phone. You know why?

There was this girl in my school who never smiled. And me being me, I tried to be nice. So I walked up to her and told her that she looked pretty that day or say that her hair looks nice or something, just to make her smile a bit. But I didn’t like her.

Soon, she confessed to me but I rejected her. She then started scolding me and asking me why if I didn’t like her, was I so nice to her?

I just answered “Cause I’m a nice guy…”

He then proceeded to look at me and said:

This is what your Mr. Buffy is doing to you… So you’d better be careful…

I was mortified when he told me this. Does this mean that he never liked me at all? But I’ve never once acted emo with my friends, I’ve always been hyper and all happy and giggly! There’s no reason for him to just randomly start patting me on the head right?

This was the question that made it clear for me.

I’m not girlfriend material. At ALL! I’m just the girl that everyone is friendly with but nobody likes cause I’m fat and not like all the other girls. Out of all my friends I think that I’m the least attractive… The nicest comment that I’ve ever heard from anyone is “You’re so cute!” and that’s getting really, really old… Why on earth would he go for me? He’s better of with some bimbo…

Plus, this afternoon during break, Ivy was being all emo cause she thinks that she’s fat and they were talking about how hot Megan Fox was and how she wanted to be like Megan Fox. During this time, he was sitting right next to me by the way. He just came over and sat there! Right next to me! WTF…. I can’t say I was not happy… I was… I think…

Anyway, Ivy asked him.

Ivy: Do you go for pretty girls or hot girls?

Ujin: -looks up from computer- Pretty girls…

I was reading my text book during this time and narrowed my eyes. I’m neither of those. I remembered the other short haired girl who likes him, she’s pretty…

It’s time to clear out the cobwebs of your mind and let in some fresh air.

This is so what I’m going to do today. I’m going to empty my brain of all this nonsense and just start anew. Like when I just met him, before all these feelings towards him manifested. I’m pretty sure that he likes that other girl. She’s prettier and they both look closer. I bet she has his number and his MSN… Unlike me…The lame-o who never had the guts to ask…

***

He patted me on the head today. It was a little later than usual but he did pat me on the head. It was after break when we were going to head off to Mr. Tan’s class. I looked at him and he looked at me and he patted my head. It’s comforting to know that even if he doesn’t like me, I can still look forward to his pats everyday.

I still stare at him or steal glances at him whenever I can. I guess that means I still have feelings for him, but they’re not as strong as they used to be. Thanks to my brother’s logic and his actions…

I’m still confused though…

But now, I think I can live without knowing how he feels about me.

Invisible

Even if you see me, you don't really see me do you?

I want you to see me, but I don't know how to show you me.

In other words, I'm in a dilemma...

I feel like this little speck of dust among these other hundreds and thousands specks of dust floating in this strange world. But I want to be special. Maybe not to everybody, but special in your eyes.

I've never felt this way before. I've never felt so insignificant that I just couldn't even picture us in the same social circle. Not that I'm implying I am in your social circle now, but at least we talk, we hang, we see each other during class. I'm not one of those weirdos that stare at their crushes from afar wishing that they would somehow notice them by some kind of miracle. Well, not anymore anyway.

Besides, I can never really be categorized as a weirdo since I never seriously liked anyone as how I like you now. I have only ever had minor crushes, which seem to go away once I try to rationalize myself from going any further than 'like'. I've never had a serious crush. At least, none serious enough that I actually stare at their Facebook profile hoping that something amazing would happen.

Yes, I stalk your Facebook account. It's the only way I can get to know you without really having to actually ask you questions. I always get tongue tied around you, so talking is out of the question. It's from your account that I learnt you are a party animal with a huge circle of friends, which consists of a lot of girls as well as boys.

I envy you.

You have the confidence to go out and just strut your stuff. No matter what people say. I live to please, as my life path number seemed to describe. I only please people and am afraid to upset them. In other words, I'm a suck up coward who wants everyone to like her, so I just say yes to everything.

I suck..

I'm tired of being the 'best friend' or 'what's her name'. I want to be known as me. Not just as somebody, but as me. Clare. I want to be noticed by boys, I want to be hit on (I probably have been hit on but didn't even realize it), I want to date, I want to love. I don't just wanna love anyone. I wanna love you.

But right now, the evidence is not allowing me to do so. And my built in personality, which analyzes both sides of a story and weighs the pros and cons of each, I can't just let myself fall into love like that. Especially when the outcome is not promising or sure. I'm a coward.

I want to tell you, but I'm afraid to be shot down.

I want to know what your affectionate pats mean, I want to know what your stares mean, what your jokes mean. Why you're so nice to me...

It's not that no one else is nice to me, but your nice is a totally different nice from what I'm used to.

Tell me what you mean!

I don't wanna be just another one of your friends...

I don't wanna be invisible...

Please Be Mine...

No matter what happens, I'll try to be optimistic... It's not like I've never done it before... Heck, I've always put up a brave face in front of my friends... My family would say otherwise though. I am, after all, more honest to them than I would like to be. If I am disappointed, I show it. But with my friends, I smile and say that it's okay or put up a 'fake' sad face and pout. They go crazy for that...

Anyways, I will try to be optimistic. Even if my heart does hurt and it's too painful to smile. Even if I want to cry, I will smile... Cause I don't want you to feel sorry for me. There's nothing worse than pity.

I want you to remember me as the strong girl, who can take the truth. Even if I can't for the life of me bring myself to terms with it...

I love you so much...

I wish...

I wish you are what I thought you are...

Does that make sense?

I always thought that the crap you see on television about people loving other people for what's inside them and not because of their outer beauty, was real. I still would like to believe... The thing is... All those people on television are already tall, skinny, pretty and smart... They wouldn't be there if they were genuinely ugly and all the opposites of the above.

Life sucks.

People are so shallow and judge on looks alone. We may like people for their awesome personalities. They could be charming, funny, and cute but still not be good enough for you to date just because they don't look like Brad Pitt or Cameron Diaz.

In truth, all the pretty people get guys.... Even the ugly skinny people can get someone... But not the fat people.... You could be pretty and fat but nobody would look at you twice because of your size. Although, I've seen a few people who are totally fugly but are in a relationship with perfectly good guys.

Were they blackmailed?

Or is there something wrong with me?

I thought that you liked me for me. I thought you looked past my size and thought of me as a possible lover... I know now that it's just wishful thinking... With my looks, you probably just think of me as a cute little sister. And dating your own little sister would be incest right? Even if we aren't related by blood.

Besides, there are other prettier skinnier girls than me.. And they're your friends....

Should I hate you?

No...

You made me feel somehow special and you gave me a kind of hope that I don't think I ever experienced before. And you were the first guy who I ever really thought of. The guy who is always on my mind, the guy who I always stare at and the guy who I wish would stare at me too...

But... I know now that it's impossible... I'm too insecure... I know I am... I may act like I'm okay but I'm not... I want you so badly it hurts... It hurts so bad I want to cry...

Is that pathetic?