Will I?

Will I like someone like I liked him?

I must admit he is my first real crush and I've seriously never felt like that about anyone before... I hate myself... I suck...

It's a New Day~ :3

I guess it is meant to be... Whatever that means...

He isn't meant for me but that doesn't mean there is no hope right? Now, I am definitely content with just being his friend, his little sister that he can pick on and play around with. I am okay with that...

I guess this is what you call conforming? Yes, this is what you call conforming...

I am conforming to the image that other people have imposed on me in fear of being rejected and isolated. Which is probably why I still act like a baby even though I hate being called the baby.

It seems like the name 'baby' will stick with me no matter where I go...

I will just watch him and continue deceiving people with my mask. I know that it will be hard at times, but I swear that I'm so good at wearing it that I even trick myself. I can believe that I no longer have feelings for him, but the heavy brick on my chest would still be there...

Whatever.. I can survive... I've hidden my emotions before, and have tricked even the most observant... Even my best friends are tricked... Even I, of all people, am tricked by myself...

But how long can I keep this up?

Do I still have hope?

Honestly, I don't think so. After all, why would he like a girl like me? If there is someone that has his attention it's her... I hate myself... Why can't I be like all the other girls? Maybe then he would look at me differently. Not as the little sister that he never had, but something else completely different.

I don't have much experience with guys or girls. I'm clueless on how I should act if the need comes for it. I just become blank and stare idiotically at everyone hoping an answer would pop out at me. I need guidance... I need reassurance... I need you...

I know that I'm being selfish now that you already have someone, but still is it so much to ask for you to look my way? To pat my head with a meaning and to actually look at me with more feeling?

I looked at you sadly today and I just bared myself to you, hoping that you would understand how I felt now that I knew. I'm confused. I think I scared you off... I'm not your type and neither are you mine. But still, a girl can dream right?

The only thing is, that is what it stays as. Just a dream in the far end of your subconscious thoughts... Quick to appear and quick to disappear.

What do I do?

Should I tell you my feelings? Or should I just watch my first ever 'real' crush be taken away by some other girl?

I don't know...

She's nice though, and knows what she wants, knows how to get it. She's probably smart, funny, fun to be with and judging from her outfits, she's really stylish...
She's the total opposite of me.

I hate you...